Friday 18:58, Old Bethnal Green Road, London
No, we’re not about to witness a biblical apocalypse, with its revelation of Christ and the Throne of God, and those horsemen of death who will unleash an earthquake so terrible it turns the sun black and the moon like blood, pulling the stars out of the sky paving the way for the angels who bring an untimely death to us all.
Neither are we on the brink of the next cataclysmic event that with a single, devastating impact of a large rock, the size of a city and composed of iron and magnesium silicates, hurling through space at 17 km/s might one day destroy the planet we call home, annihilating most animal and plant life in one go.
We’re not at the very early stages of the next pandemic, a contagion spreading silently and slowly at first, then gaining strength as it feeds off people’s fear and ultimately becoming so virulent and devastating that it will wipe myself out together with the 7 billion other people on this planet through hemorrhagic fever and massive organ failure.
And I can’t say today’s solar eclipse is an ominous sign of imminent death and destruction caused by a coronal mass ejection which will turn the earth’s crust to goo and reverse the planet’s magnetic poles and cause all sorts of mayhem, all of which would lead to the extinction of life as we know it.
And no, we’re not about to be harvested, hung upside down and have our blood drained, skin peeled away and brains picked by horned, scaly extraterrestrials whose only aim is to advance their own über-species through galactic domination and extermination.
The end is nigh because I’m about to submit my essay Financial management this weekend, three days early.
Take that OU!